slavecrowned | empatheias: mailbox

[Were they having this conversation in person, Terra would undoubtedly reach out to lay a hand on her friend's shoulder in an attempt to offer comfort— but for now all she can offer is a strong surge of sympathy. She recognizes both anger and sadness; even when someone means well, it's entirely possible for them to make things worse if they don't quite understand what they're getting into.]

It sounds like he was just trying to be your friend, but... maybe this wasn't the way for him to do that.

[Farah has her sympathies, without question.]

This world has shown me a lot of memories I'd rather not have had to re-experience, too. I'm sorry that it happened to you. Sometimes, even if a part of you knows it would be better to leave... it's hard to turn your back.

Oh Kor doesn't just try, he does.

[There's a bite to her words there which she wishes she could take back the moment she thinks them. He did mean well and only wanted to help, but he also wasn't listening no matter what Farah said.

He was determined to help and she was determined to turn him down. They're both stubborn.]

... You're right though. It is hard to turn away. It's one thing thinking or dreaming about something, but then to see it all played out in front of you like that, I... [The next part comes through after a pause, quieter now.] I didn't want anyone to see this, even if they're a friend.

I think I know the type...

[Some people are always convince they know best. They mean well, but they're not always the best listeners.

Terra pauses, thoughtful, and there are several moments of silence before she goes on to say:]

It was a part of yourself you didn't want to share. I can understand that.

[All memories, after all, are part of them, thoughts and experiences that contribute to who they are now.]

... Right, a part of me.

[Kor had said something similar at the time, that their memories are a part of them. It feels strange to think that when it's a memory that has caused her so much pain and effected her life so heavily.

But then if it's changed her life it really is part of her.]

If it weren't for that memory then I would never have become the martial artist I am today.

It set you on your path.

[She can certainly understand that much— plenty of people have had moments like that. Unfortunately, those moments aren't always the most pleasant. She knows that her own hadn't been.]

It was... painful, wasn't it?

[She can only guess why Farah hadn't wanted to share it, but that's the first thing that comes to mind.]

[The connection seems to 'jump' almost as Terra hits the mark with that. A lengthy pause follows until finally a deep breath breaks the silence.]

Yeah. It was. [To put it lightly.] Do you... Remember the warehouse and that job we took?

[Going into specifics about this particular memory isn't something Farah feels she can do, not right now. But that task hit her hard for similar reasons.]

[Terra will never forget it. Her voice takes on a somber note as she responds:]

Of course... that was a difficult job for both of us, I think.

Mm, right.

[A pause follows, along with a fuzziness to the connection as Farah's thoughts flit about in the background but none of them being clear enough to make out. Not until Farah goes on.]

Something like that has happened before. Back home. It isn't exactly the same, but...

[The thoughts and feelings it brought up in her at the time were a pretty close match to this particular memory of hers.]

But...?

[It's an invitation for Farah to continue, a lilt of curiosity to her voice.]

I promise, Farah. You can trust me.

[There's a lengthy pause as she plays back what Terra said in her mind, weighing up whether she wants to go on or just drop things here.

She does trust Terra. And she is a very good friend.

After a moment a long sigh, Farah continues.]

But... It felt the same when it happened. All my thoughts, my worries, all of it. It was painful. [...] Only back home I ran away. I didn't help. I left everyone and everything behind.

It was like being in that moment all over again, wasn't it?

[She may know a little something about that, herself— complete with being forced to look back on moments she's not proud of, things she wishes she could do over again.]

Farah... I'm so sorry. It's normal to run when you're scared, even if you wish now that you hadn't.

[The connection grows fuzzy all of a sudden before evening out again.] It is?

[It's so strange to hear that. But she's also never really stopped and thought about her own actions on that day. To Farah it's always just all been a sign of weakness and the worst mistake of her life.]

It's funny. When you said it's normal to run I wanted to think "no way" or something. [...] I hate running. That's not the sort of person I want to be, the one who runs away when things are scary.

Of course it is.

[Terra may not be an expert on human emotion overall, but this much, she knows is normal— she's had other people assure her of such countless times over.]

I don't like running, either, but sometimes we can't help our impulses... and just because you ran once, that doesn't mean that's who you are. What defines who you are is what you want now, how you want to act going forward. None of us can let our pasts be the only thing that defines us.

I hear what you're saying, but...

[She can't just brush off what Terra is saying here. Especially when what her friend has brought up is right. She can't let the past define her. But it's had such a large impact on her life, so many of her choices were made because of what happened years ago.

Farah broadcasts a sigh, a pause following as she finds the right response.] No, what you're saying is right. But what if... Terra this is going to sound stupid.

[But she's said plenty of stupid stuff today that's been embarrassing so what's one more thing on the pile.]

What if... Your past has made you who you are? How do we know if what we do is because it's what we want or if it's just making up for things we did, or just what we think we should do?

It doesn't sound stupid at all.

[It was a subtlety that Terra had found herself having difficulty grasping, as well— there were more discussions with Y'shtola than she could count where she had insisted that she didn't want to let her past impact her in any way, that she wanted to become someone who was as far from who she had been as possible. Y'shtola had been the one to teach her that her past had to shape her, but it didn't have to be the only thing.]

It's tricky, isn't it? The things that happen to us, the things that we do... they shape who we become, even if it's not pretty. But that's just a part of the whole. There's more to me than what I've done in the past, and I know that there's more to you, as well.

[She exhales, choosing her words carefully.]

Isn't making up for the things we've done a part of what we want, too? I don't think I'll ever stop trying to be better than I was— but a friend taught me that it was important not to let making up for the past be the only thing that drives us. We also have to look to the future, and think about the kind of world we want to live in, and do our part to make it happen.

[Terra might think for a moment that the connection ended as Farah doesn't respond right away. There's not even any fuzziness or any hint of emotion coming through. Something Terra said really grabbed Farah and now she's stuck thinking on it.

When Farah does at last reply her voice seems lighter, like a weight has been taken off of her.]

If I think about the future and the world I want to live in then I think about saving it, keeping it safe for everyone I love. So then I think about what have I done already to get there.

[And she's done a lot, even if what she has done came from her desire to make amends or didn't. The fact is she's still taken steps to bettering her world.]

Sometimes the past is... A lot to handle. But whatever my reason is or whatever is pushing me on, I'm making a difference. I think I've realised you can make up for the past and work for the future too. Those things don't have to be separate.

[The long silence concerns her, but when Farah responds once more, Terra smiles to herself— it's the very same truth that she herself has been trying to make peace with, a balance she never would have been able to find without the help of her friends.]

That's exactly right.

[It doesn't have to be one or the other.]

You're making a difference, whatever inspired you to do so. Y'shtola told me that my past would 'define me always' at a time when I had worries just like yours— but she also helped me to learn that it's much more complicated than that, and who I choose to be now, going forward, defines me just as much. It's the same for you. Our pasts will always be a part of us, but we don't have to let ourselves be shackled.

So it's sort of like saying... Our pasts are written in stone, but we can still keep writing out new stuff that defines us. Or something like that.

[There's a warmth coming through the connection now, something different from the awkward fuzziness and the embarrassed feelings from before.]

We have a long way to go moving forward, but that just gives us more time to learn more about ourselves and... Become who we really want to be. [There's a deep sigh that follows, as though Farah has been holding her breath in for most of the conversation.] You know, I think your friend Y'shtola would make an amazing teacher. And you as well Terra.

I like the sound of that— yes, that's just it.

[She's glad that Farah seems to be heartened by their conversation, and she can feel the tension ease as her friend lets out that long sigh.]

You think so? Y'shtola, of course, she would be wonderful at it, but— I don't know very much about the world.

[This one or any other, though she's always learning.]

I'm just happy to share the parts I have come to understand.

Well I'm glad that you could share some of those parts with me today. Maybe you don't have a future in teaching, but still. I really appreciate it.

[And with that warmth from before? It seems to grow and spread through the connection, as though Farah really is sending her heartfelt thanks straight over to Terra.]

... This all got a little heavy didn't it? [Now it's all said and done, given how things started off? She has to laugh, just a little. Just the whole spectrum of emotions she's gone through in the space of this talk is enough to get her smiling now.]

I don't think that's such a bad thing.

[There's a pulse of warmth across their connection from Terra's end as well, a moment of appreciation as well as an extension of solidarity, support. Farah may not have meant to reach out to her, but maybe something greater than them knew that Terra would be the right person for her to talk to.]

It sounds to me like you needed to get all of that off your chest. I'm happy to listen anytime, you know— you don't have to wait for the crystals to malfunction.

[She's definitely teasing, but the offer is certainly genuine.]

It's... Not something I usually bother people with. If this didn't happen then I'd keep it to myself.

[Which is a very healthy and proven coping strategy for dealing with problems, totally.

She appreciates that teasing! And all that Terra has done for her right now. There's a soft sigh before she responds.]

I'll keep that in mind. Next time I'll be more careful about what I'm saying when the crystals aren't behaving though, just in case. [no more "inside" stuff for her after today!!]

Well... you don't have to do that. Just remember that, okay?

[She won't push, because of course, ultimately it's up to Farah what she'd like to share— but Terra has plenty of her own troubles that are difficult to share with others. She knows just how heavily those things can weigh on you. Talking... talking helps.]

Probably a good idea, though. Maybe check to make sure you've reached the right person first, just in case.

I think I'll start everything off with a 'hey' and a 'how are you' before I get into anything important. If the worst I can do is ask someone random how they're doing? I'll be okay.

[If anything like that she might end up making a new friend. Or just annoying a dude- But that's still better than airing anything private out.]

... But yeah, I will remember. I'm not going to forget this. [... But.] If I do then please remind me, okay? [Some nights it's just. Easier to sit with her thoughts. Though she will absolutely remember as best she can that Terra has her back with these things.]

That sounds like a good plan.

[She laughs warmly, and she's glad that if Farah had to make this particular mistake with anyone, it had been a friend.]

... I will. I promise you that.

[That's what friends are for, isn't it?]

You can count on me, Farah.

empatheias: mailbox

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